Scaredy Cat

I did it. I said what I have been afraid of admitting to myself for a very long time. I have gotten so calloused and did not want to fully submerge myself. I enjoyed keeping my guard up and being on the defense, making sure I would not get hurt or hurt anyone in the process.

That was the safe route.

I have now not only dipped my toes in, but slowly let the water touch every part of me. It leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable, extremely open and exposed. I feel naked, yet comfortable in my own skin; exposed, yet enveloped in emotion. I am not sure if I made the right decision still, but I did it and there's no turning back. What I have is only a growing desire, but what if I don't even know if what I have is really true?

I think it is, and I guess that's the best thing that I can really base it upon.

Reciprocation. Is it that important? Is lack of it really embarrassing? There are things you should not go into expecting something in return, or else what you have is really just a business transaction. There are things you go into expecting nothing but the the intangible in return, and ideally, that should be more than you ask for.

Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world. Maybe this is what I am afraid of - taking down my shield, letting loose my weapons, and allowing breathing room through my armor. Maybe I'm afraid of this vulnerability feeling, this feeling that I am losing control of things that I try so hard to be in control of.

I fear my advantage is taken out of my hands, and that I am constantly being compared with or to. I fear of doing this again, having it, and losing it. Reciprocation is important. Words are dangerous and powerful, and they mean nothing without the actions behind the meanings of those words. The latter I feel is more important, but the primer solidifies it all. It is a hand in hand combination, but that's what got me into this predicament in the first place.