Where Does Honesty Get You?

Honesty. We've been taught our entire lives to be honest, and if we are not, all lies will surface and come back to bite us in the butt. But really, our whole lives are based on so many lies! Everyone does it, apparently - to protect your children, to protect yourself, and basically lying is the new thing to do - you essentially HAVE to do it! If you expose your true self, you are left vulnerable and others will see who you truly are. They see room for attack and they will take advantage of it.

I am learning more and more you have to have many forms of yourself. You have to shape yourself to be who others want you to be. If not, you will not get the results that you want, and apparently over the last couple years, I have found out, and I believe UCLA will back me up on this one, that life is all about results. You are just a number, just another face, and unless you do something with yourself, you are just another body taking up resources. Unless you have the results that others are interested in, or even ANYTHING that others are interested in, you are NOTHING to them.

There's a Vietnamese quote, "Roll your tongue 7 times before speaking." It parallels the English quote, "Think before you act." And more and more I am finding out how important that is. You never want to say the wrong thing or let what you truly feel out, for it may impair what is about to happen tremendously. That is what you call a Froidian slip when you just let yourself go.

Everywhere. You can't be yourself. Not with your classmates, your coworkers, your significant other, your friends, your family, and it is just so much to take in that you forget who you are and cannot even be yourself to yourself.

What has society done to us?

Scaredy Cat

I did it. I said what I have been afraid of admitting to myself for a very long time. I have gotten so calloused and did not want to fully submerge myself. I enjoyed keeping my guard up and being on the defense, making sure I would not get hurt or hurt anyone in the process.

That was the safe route.

I have now not only dipped my toes in, but slowly let the water touch every part of me. It leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable, extremely open and exposed. I feel naked, yet comfortable in my own skin; exposed, yet enveloped in emotion. I am not sure if I made the right decision still, but I did it and there's no turning back. What I have is only a growing desire, but what if I don't even know if what I have is really true?

I think it is, and I guess that's the best thing that I can really base it upon.

Reciprocation. Is it that important? Is lack of it really embarrassing? There are things you should not go into expecting something in return, or else what you have is really just a business transaction. There are things you go into expecting nothing but the the intangible in return, and ideally, that should be more than you ask for.

Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world. Maybe this is what I am afraid of - taking down my shield, letting loose my weapons, and allowing breathing room through my armor. Maybe I'm afraid of this vulnerability feeling, this feeling that I am losing control of things that I try so hard to be in control of.

I fear my advantage is taken out of my hands, and that I am constantly being compared with or to. I fear of doing this again, having it, and losing it. Reciprocation is important. Words are dangerous and powerful, and they mean nothing without the actions behind the meanings of those words. The latter I feel is more important, but the primer solidifies it all. It is a hand in hand combination, but that's what got me into this predicament in the first place.

You know you're a nerd when...

...you don't recognize yourself in the mirror if you don't have your glasses on
...you laugh at your own jokes and confirm yourself that it is because no one else gets the level of sophisticated humor you do
...you enjoy studying - even during the summer
...you bring books/work to do while you go on vacation, and start working as soon as you hit the airport
...you don't really discover makeup until college
...while you are looking at a book about hairstyles and exclaim how outrageous the dos are, your mom asks, "What, are you looking at your brain books again?"
...you know you will be in school for a lot longer than you had intended to be, but you don't mind and even at times wish you can be a professional student
...you spoon your computer while you sleep
...you find libraries fascinating, and feels that being in them makes you smarter
...you study on a Friday night
...you study on a Saturday night
...you study on a Sunday night
...you study on a (well you get the point)
...you stress out about one point
...you start overanalyzing your exam immediately after exiting the exam
...back-to-school shopping is your favorite time of year
...school supplies give you a natural high, so you of course, have a beauty stash of them
...talk in jargon
...your significant other calls you a nerd/dork/geek or some form of nerd, like, constantly
...your significant other is a nerd too (even if they deny it)
...you follow wiki-how's "How to Get a Girlfriend as a Nerd" http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Girlfriend-as-a-Nerd
...you are addicted to the internet and have your email constantly open because are OCD about getting new email
...your dreams are about conference rooms
...you google EVERYTHING
...you've even googled "how to kiss"
...you don't have a diary, no, you have a blog
...you think nerds are cool, therefore you think you are cool
...you make statements that include "therefore"
...you are smart and intelligent
...guiltily pleasuring in Myspace/Facebook
...top brain surgeons, powerful lawyers, politicians, and top-gun businessmen are like celebrities to you
...you enjoy people you can have enlightening or challenging conversations with
...you like(d) Pokemon
...you ponder and overanalyze everything
...you are a clutz and you might as well adopt clumsiness as your middle name
...competition feeds your drive to succeed at times
...you do your Christmas shopping during the summer
...you enjoy the practical and rational thought and things that make sense over the pondering-for-no-purpose approach
...Pinky and the Brain is one of your all time favorite shows, EVER
...you get a kick out of this list: http://www.geocities.com/aliceawei/Asian.html

This list goes on and on. I may be a little biased in writing this list, but for those that know me, I am loud and proud of my (not-so) inner nerdiness :)

Nerds will take over the world... one blog at a time!!