Bloggable Thoughts

Hi future plans, it'd be nice if you talk to me.

2010-03-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

There are so many options for the future, yet I am consumed by more negative emotions like stress and fear rather than feeling excited about the unknown. It's difficult to balance out the professional/academic life with the personal, and somehow know that some how it's going to work out. Maybe I need a sign or something.

You gotta fight... For your right... To Remember?

2009-11-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

This fall, I helped start a support program for those experiencing early memory loss (i.e. those who have recently been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment [MCI] or Alzheimer's Disease). Our clients include a variety of backgrounds, including a New Yorker civil engineer, a British nanny, and even a former World War II veteran. To witness these established individuals, enjoying their well-deserved retirements, slowly losing their memories is like witnessing a slow paced tragedy.

The veteran reminisces about his old war times as a paramedic, transporting wounded soldier after soldier to the nearest area of safety or hospital. Crossing enemy lines on a daily basis, some days losing count of how many lives he saw to safety, or saw to their eternal rest. He risks his own life to save the lives of strangers, having only in common their will to fight for the allied power - ideally it'd be peace. I am honored to be in company with such a hero.

A fighter for his nation is now a fighter for his mind.

Lesson learned: Make the most out of your time. The memories you make now may be the only memories you can keep. Make every day, every moment, every breath count. Not as if it's your last, but make it count because it's worth it. Because you are.

Live. Learn. Love.

Don't wait.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel alone.

2009-05-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

Everything around me feels so lofty and superficial, as if it can fade and disappear in an instant.

When someone extremely close to you feels devastated within their own problems, and you find that there is nothing you can do to help, what do you do? Sometimes the answer is to just be there. They say that you should just be an ear to listen to their worries, but to not let it affect you. Is this actually possible? Is it possible to be so cold, as to not let someone's torn emotions not take some toll or part in any of yours? On the contrary, it is unpractical (and possibly unreasonable) to let your emotions control your life.

There are things that need to be done. No one will do them if you just sit there and cry. Cry for what? Someone else? How does that help them? How does it help you?

It doesn't.

Just listen. Be there. Take a deep breath, and swallow it. Do what you need to do, and focus. Wallowing in the moment will not do any good to anybody.

Sometimes, you have to be that pillar of support. You just have to choose what material you are made out of. Will it be sand, or will it be granite?

------

A piece of advice I heard recently from a successful professional is a technique in managing a busy lifestyle is to compartmentalize one's life. There is a time for academics. There is a time for family. There is a time friends. There is a time for yourself, your health, and your disabilities.

With that said, there's a time to be silly, and laugh. And there's a time to cry. Allot some time for all of the above, but don't intermingle them, and you'll find yourself healthier and more productive.

I think I'll try this.

In the end, you've only got you. Take care of what you've got.

Beating around the Bush

2009-03-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when we have a very important goal or task, we sometimes we do everything BUT the very thing we are supposed to do?

GAH!

Is it because it's so daunting? Intimidating?

Or are we just super procrastinators... and lazy?

Maybe all of the above.

What happened to blogging consistently?

2009-02-18T22:20:00.000-08:00

Finally, a blog. So many thoughts throughout the course of this year have gone unblogged. *sigh*

A pressing one that has eaten at me for a couple weeks is meeting this random girl at Starbucks. We shared a table and studied our materials independently. The only thing we shared were "Bless Yous" and the consequent "Thank Yous". At first, I thought she was annoying for talking on the phone while sharing a table with me while I was trying to study. But it was not that long and it was fine environment after. So why did I slightly judge her - on her conversations and her mannerisms at the table? The remorse for these feelings did not really come until I started packing up my things and leaving, when I heard a little voice at the corner of the table saying, "Have a good day!" attached to a smile of course.

Wow. How judgments of a person can phase so quickly by just small gesture such as that. I walked away too quickly to realize it was her saying it, but at 10am when you're miserable from studying organic chemistry, that was the best thing anyone could have left me with (unless it's an admission into med school. haha).

Lessons learned:

Do not be so quick to judge.
Small kind gestures go a long way. Do them more :) You never know (and may never know) how big of a difference they can make.

So little lady who annoyed me at first while talking at Starbucks, thank you. And in your own words, "You rule." :)

New Years Resolutions

2008-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

The end of the year approaches, which means time for glitz, glam, and some re-glitzing.

(in no particular order, since the list is to be continually edited)

Do things that make you happy.
Keep in touch with those that are worth keeping in touch with.
Do not waste time on things that do not matter. Going along with that, do things that actually matter. For example, surfing facebook for hours does NOT matter.
Be healthy.
Blog more. It's therapeutic and a venting source.
Be pretty.
Find something you like, and explore.
Stop stressing. It makes others stress with you, which is just distressing in it of itself.
Read. Be informed. Be intelligent.
Try to be a little big more green. Love the earth, or else it may not love you.
Dance. Sing. Be merry.
Flirt a little and make someone's day. Tell a stranger you really like their outfit, or that they have a really pretty smile. Genuinely mean it.

More to come!

Running to the Food Network

2008-11-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

You're working out and rocking out to your hip hop music. You're breaking more than just a sweat and you are so motivated to lose that extra pound that you so indulgently gained from that cheese cake you ate last weekend. You look around looking for more motivation. There's that hot guy/girl in your discussion that you have never had the nerve to say hello. There's your ex that dumped you, and you have to show him/her how hot you've gotten. There's the person next to you that's sweating more than you are! How dare they!

Then... you look up. The beam of sun shines down and your eyes lay on: THE FOOD NETWORK. The Chef is cooking some delicious home made goodies - a whole meal cooked right before your eyes (well, and a small screen). You are salivating and cannot wait till post workout food.

Now is this really efficient? In the point of view of the gym, sure it is! You'll work out to the food network, and eat a lot after your work out, and come back wondering why you never lost those extra pounds!!

How conniving you are, gymnasium! You must have a secret contract with the food network that we do not know about!! Well, off to the kitchen for me!

Pick up the Grains of Rice? or Carry the Rice Bag?

2008-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Imagine...

You are from a very poor family who lives in the countryside, away from city life and any local markets. All throughout the past five months, you have meticulously cultivated rice in the fields every day. You go to the next town in order to trade this huge bag of rice that you have so worked so hard to maintain. Bags of rice are traded by the pound in the next town because there are no rice farmers, and you plan on trading the rice in for several new chickens, which will help support the family well.

On the way to the town, you trip over a rock and spill one fifth of your rice. You know that the prime time to sell your rice is right before the market closes, and you only have a couple minutes left to get there. Do you stop to pick up your rice, knowing that every bit of rice helps, and run into town? There is a possibility that you may drop more rice on the way while running as fast as you can to get there before the market closes. Or do you walk swiftly and carefully into the city now in order to make sure you get there in time to sell the remains of your rice bag?

---

Sometimes, it's hard to view the big picture. You worked so HARD for every grain of rice, and it pains you to see that you so clumsily dropped some of it. You look back and you do not want to keep going into the city because you know that every grain of rice counts, so you want to maximize your trade. There's a part of you that seeks perfection in every step of life, and you won't settle for anything less.

Take a step back. Look at your fallen rice, and look at your 4/5 full bag. If you pick up the fallen grains, it will take you more time that you'd like, and rice will be filled with impurities that you pick up off the ground. If you don't keep going, the market will close and you won't even get your chickens. Sure, you won't get as many chickens, but at least you know there's a stronger chance you will at least be able to trade for at least two.

If you stop and be picky about the things that don't have that much emphasis, you will lose the opportunity at hand. Stop and take a look at the big picture. See what is more important, the extra pounds of rice or receiving the chickens? Do what you need to get there, even if it means momentary sacrifices. If your goal is getting those chickens and getting them to produce many eggs for you, do what you can NOW to make sure you get them. Don't let minute unhappiness from others or from your stubborn self get in the way of your mating chickens.

An hour before my midterm

2008-10-22T11:06:00.001-07:00

So two things that I need off my chest. Actually three.

1. When people you wave at someone, you expect a wave (or at least a smile) back, right? Then what the hell is up with that half-ass wave, where the hand is still hanging down still below their waist and he/she just lifts their wrist slightly high enough to barely make out a waving motion. It's basically a gesture suggesting that they are too good to give you an authentic wave, to be too embarrassed to give a full-on wave. Now I'm not talking going crazy with the wave of excitement, but something more than a lift of a wrist and kinda pretending not to see you if you didn't see them first. Double you tee eff.

2. When someone asks you to be an audience, do you give helpful suggestions or only pour out positive endearings, even though what you think you have to say may be beneficial? I guess if it's a couple minutes before a big event of theirs, you should probably just shut your mouth and do the latter. But for the people that actually mean a lot to you and that you want to do well, wouldn't you want to give them the best advice and to see them do their best!? At least for me, I want helpful suggestions. Then you realize it always comes down to how you phrase your comments. There's no time for that much thinking of what diction to use all the time!!! Gah the complications of the games people's minds play!

and lastly,

3. I haven't blogged for a while. I miss the therapy it gives me. It's the best vent outlet, and it's to anyone who cares enough to read this mind diarreah of mine. Maybe then should change BS to DS.

and maybe I should probably start cramming for this midterm.

Where Does Honesty Get You?

2008-08-19T16:58:00.001-07:00

Honesty. We've been taught our entire lives to be honest, and if we are not, all lies will surface and come back to bite us in the butt. But really, our whole lives are based on so many lies! Everyone does it, apparently - to protect your children, to protect yourself, and basically lying is the new thing to do - you essentially HAVE to do it! If you expose your true self, you are left vulnerable and others will see who you truly are. They see room for attack and they will take advantage of it.

I am learning more and more you have to have many forms of yourself. You have to shape yourself to be who others want you to be. If not, you will not get the results that you want, and apparently over the last couple years, I have found out, and I believe UCLA will back me up on this one, that life is all about results. You are just a number, just another face, and unless you do something with yourself, you are just another body taking up resources. Unless you have the results that others are interested in, or even ANYTHING that others are interested in, you are NOTHING to them.

There's a Vietnamese quote, "Roll your tongue 7 times before speaking." It parallels the English quote, "Think before you act." And more and more I am finding out how important that is. You never want to say the wrong thing or let what you truly feel out, for it may impair what is about to happen tremendously. That is what you call a Froidian slip when you just let yourself go.

Everywhere. You can't be yourself. Not with your classmates, your coworkers, your significant other, your friends, your family, and it is just so much to take in that you forget who you are and cannot even be yourself to yourself.

What has society done to us?

Scaredy Cat

2008-08-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

I did it. I said what I have been afraid of admitting to myself for a very long time. I have gotten so calloused and did not want to fully submerge myself. I enjoyed keeping my guard up and being on the defense, making sure I would not get hurt or hurt anyone in the process.

That was the safe route.

I have now not only dipped my toes in, but slowly let the water touch every part of me. It leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable, extremely open and exposed. I feel naked, yet comfortable in my own skin; exposed, yet enveloped in emotion. I am not sure if I made the right decision still, but I did it and there's no turning back. What I have is only a growing desire, but what if I don't even know if what I have is really true?

I think it is, and I guess that's the best thing that I can really base it upon.

Reciprocation. Is it that important? Is lack of it really embarrassing? There are things you should not go into expecting something in return, or else what you have is really just a business transaction. There are things you go into expecting nothing but the the intangible in return, and ideally, that should be more than you ask for.

Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world. Maybe this is what I am afraid of - taking down my shield, letting loose my weapons, and allowing breathing room through my armor. Maybe I'm afraid of this vulnerability feeling, this feeling that I am losing control of things that I try so hard to be in control of.

I fear my advantage is taken out of my hands, and that I am constantly being compared with or to. I fear of doing this again, having it, and losing it. Reciprocation is important. Words are dangerous and powerful, and they mean nothing without the actions behind the meanings of those words. The latter I feel is more important, but the primer solidifies it all. It is a hand in hand combination, but that's what got me into this predicament in the first place.

You know you're a nerd when...

2008-08-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

...you don't recognize yourself in the mirror if you don't have your glasses on
...you laugh at your own jokes and confirm yourself that it is because no one else gets the level of sophisticated humor you do
...you enjoy studying - even during the summer
...you bring books/work to do while you go on vacation, and start working as soon as you hit the airport
...you don't really discover makeup until college
...while you are looking at a book about hairstyles and exclaim how outrageous the dos are, your mom asks, "What, are you looking at your brain books again?"
...you know you will be in school for a lot longer than you had intended to be, but you don't mind and even at times wish you can be a professional student
...you spoon your computer while you sleep
...you find libraries fascinating, and feels that being in them makes you smarter
...you study on a Friday night
...you study on a Saturday night
...you study on a Sunday night
...you study on a (well you get the point)
...you stress out about one point
...you start overanalyzing your exam immediately after exiting the exam
...back-to-school shopping is your favorite time of year
...school supplies give you a natural high, so you of course, have a beauty stash of them
...talk in jargon
...your significant other calls you a nerd/dork/geek or some form of nerd, like, constantly
...your significant other is a nerd too (even if they deny it)
...you follow wiki-how's "How to Get a Girlfriend as a Nerd" http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Girlfriend-as-a-Nerd
...you are addicted to the internet and have your email constantly open because are OCD about getting new email
...your dreams are about conference rooms
...you google EVERYTHING
...you've even googled "how to kiss"
...you don't have a diary, no, you have a blog
...you think nerds are cool, therefore you think you are cool
...you make statements that include "therefore"
...you are smart and intelligent
...guiltily pleasuring in Myspace/Facebook
...top brain surgeons, powerful lawyers, politicians, and top-gun businessmen are like celebrities to you
...you enjoy people you can have enlightening or challenging conversations with
...you like(d) Pokemon
...you ponder and overanalyze everything
...you are a clutz and you might as well adopt clumsiness as your middle name
...competition feeds your drive to succeed at times
...you do your Christmas shopping during the summer
...you enjoy the practical and rational thought and things that make sense over the pondering-for-no-purpose approach
...Pinky and the Brain is one of your all time favorite shows, EVER
...you get a kick out of this list: http://www.geocities.com/aliceawei/Asian.html

This list goes on and on. I may be a little biased in writing this list, but for those that know me, I am loud and proud of my (not-so) inner nerdiness :)

Nerds will take over the world... one blog at a time!!

Nose Picking

2008-07-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Great news nose pickers! You are not at risk for contracting Alzheimer's Disease.

Neither are those of you who eat brains.

Congratulations!! Celebrate!! Pick a nose! Eat a brain! Neither have to be yours.

Rejoice and be happy.

However - if you are getting older, I'm sorry. You are at risk of getting Alzheimer's Disease, for it is the only positive correlation of being a victim.

What the hey - go ahead, and still drink and be merry :) and don't fall over during earthquakes.

Fly Traps - the Root to Evil

2008-07-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

The vinegar fly trap works wonders. :) I think I have caught several hundred, which is a good and bad thing. Good: I've caught so many. Bad: why in the world ARE there this many to begin with? I'm assuming there weren't this many to begin with.

I also find myself having more aggressive behavior towards them, tapping on the bowl so the flies in the bowl (but not yet in the water) will fall down, and drown. Does this make me an evil person? slightly, I'm sure.

Body Image Distortion

2008-07-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been a little more body conscious than I'd ideally like to be, and seeing how the rest of America perceives a woman's body should look like to be considered "beautiful". Browsing around online, there are so many websites dedicated to get girls to look size 0 skinny, and I even checked out some forums to see what young girls were saying about themselves; some interesting things that popped out:

"I’m currently a size 0, but I’d like to be skinnier."
"i don’t really like the so-thin-you-got-no-butt-or-boobs-or-hips look."
"NOT all Asians are anorexic either, I hate being called that, it’s like a knife in the face..."
"Just wear gel bras! =D They’re my fav!"
"the only 0 size they had didnt fit me, still too big...I actually asked if there was a size -1"
"I need to lose weight too now reading this forum! Makes me feel fat!"
"i think you should just be happy and do what makes you happy."

After not watching TV for a good amount of time, I just recently found out America's Top Model Winner, as this picture appeared:

Jaslene Gonzales (runner up) and Whitney Thompson (winner)

So, that's great that an "average" looking American White girl won, right? RIGHT? I mean, c'mon, she's even wearing an American flag colored bikini! So many people/posts/comments regarding how wonderful that America is recognizing other images of beauty, but honestly, it comes to show you how political this show is.

It is, of course, your typical blond hair, blue eyed white girl that wins. So, she has a thicker body than the customary super thin model figure. Why? Is it to show that America is now not being as superficial? Is America accepting that the average woman's height is 5'3"-ish at 152 pounds? (Those numbers are ballpark from my memory) OR is it to just give off that image? To boost the show's ratings and appeal to more women that actually look like this?

They also mentioned the winner as a PLUS SIZE MODEL. This girl is definitely not plus size. If the media and others are calling her as such, what are actual heavier set girls supposed to think? "Well, if she's plus size, what the hell am I?" Exactly. Is her winning actually based on her beauty, or is it to cause a controversy in the media? As a disclaimer, good for her. She's a pretty girl and if she wants to model, than all power to her.

So why is America so obsessed with body image? Why has it caused corruption in the minds of young, naive, vulnerable people that cause them to succumb to such diseases like anorexia or the need to bulk up? What's really sad, is that we'll fight the norm and say that a person is beautiful at every body type, but innately, we're thinking to ourselves how we want to lose those 10 pounds, gain that extra muscle, or change that flat nose.

To me, beauty is taking care of your body and the choices you make about it, whether it be the foods you ingest, the exercise you do, or the toxins you take in.

What's beautiful? Being healthy and fit, and having the confidence to say that you are beautiful.

What's beautiful? Having a heart to care about others and the troubles the rest of the world faces, and not about how much weight Lindsay Lohan lost in the past month.

What's beautiful? Humbling oneself and accepting who you are; setting goals and achieving them.

What's beautiful? Genuineness and appreciation.

Beauty is seriously everywhere around us; I find myself examining closely the face of the people around me (some may consider this creepy), and I think to myself (though usually am vocal about it) about how beautiful they are. In simple, natural things like the diversity of eyes, noses, face shapes, and most importantly the consistency of their smiles are extremely gorgeous to me.

I'm sorry that the media has instilled such a distorted view of beauty in our minds that we may so consciously try to avoid. I'm going to have to agree with the lovely quote I found in that blog, to just do what makes you happy, but I'm going to add that just as long as you don't harm anyone in the process, including yourself.

Happy beautifying!

Honey Bunches of Oats

2008-07-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

Relationships are like a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.

The good parts are like the oat clusters, but it makes me wonder if it's only as delicious as I make it seem because of the other bland cereal surrounding it, or is it because it's actually a taste of heaven for my taste buds? (as you can tell, Honey Bunches of Oats are my favorite cereal)

It's both! You can't appreciate the delectable oat clusters unless you have those exciting almonds, those plain flakes, those healthy whole-grain flakes, and those on-par frosted flakes. As in relationships, you need to have those exciting bursts of joy, plain moments, healthy arguments, and on-par compromises to really appreciate those amazing times with your partner. Granted, those bunches of oats actually make you salivate, and those amazing times actually make you jump for joy. (I guess both should make you salivate, shouldn't they?) You appreciate how wonderfully those oats are put together and those happy moments are, in it of itself. Though in my opinion, there is another aspect of fully being able to appreciate.

Appreciation comes from comparing, whether it be to those other flakes or to having no cereal at all. It's true that you don't really realize what you have until it's gone. Now take that as lightly or as seriously as you want, but in the general term, true appreciation is found through comparing. For example, you won't appreciate those oat clusters if you didn't have those other cereals around it to make those clusters EXTRA special. Also, if you didn't have any cereal at all, then you'd really miss those yummy clusters, wouldn't you? No other cereal compares to your favorite Honey Bunches of Oats. So in a sense, you need those other mediocre flakes surrounding those oat clusters to fully taste its deliciousness.

But don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when I get greedy and pick out all the clusters and eat them all at once. It's like an orgasm in the mouth... with the cereal, that is. ;)

Drosophila Belong in a Research Lab

2008-07-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

They do not belong in my room, my safe haven, and one of the few places where I can be naked without getting a ticket for indecency.

I have yummy fruits in my room that belong to ME and not to the fruit flies that have infiltrated my sanctuary. I tried the fly tape, and it was successful, in maybe about 10-15 of them. I think they got a little frisky, which I don't blame them for, since I would get it on in my room too ;). From an original group of about 10 flies, there are now 50. Insert angry face.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have made my own bowl trap: apple cider vinegar and soap covered by plastic wrap with small holes. The vinegar is the alluring fragrance and the soap is to break the tension in the liquid so the flies will drown on demand! The small holes are to allow them to come in, and not be smart enough to fly out. muahaha!

Another favorite how-to is the plastic zip lock bag trap:

Place a few slices of an apple inside a zip lock bag
Leave an inch open to allow pests to enter. The little pests will soon be on and surrounding the apple.
Zip the bag closed and crush each one with your fingertips.

I will update on the success of my trap. That cantaloupe is mine, dammit!

A Lesson in Love

2008-07-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you would know that I'm a sucker for romance. That's the problem, which could be a term up for debate, that I think many women (or men) have - that is, thinking with your heart rather than your brain. My mom always told me that women are smart and can probably take over the world, if they didn't base some of their decisions on their heart. I believed this, until I allowed myself to fall in love for the first time.

It was joyous, yet frightening. It was beautiful, yet dangerous. It was vulnerable and indeterminate, and I think that's what scared me the most, when you are unsure of where things will lead to. Well I did it. I fell in love. I allowed my feelings to get the best of me and listened to that organ beating inside of me, when the one that sits on top of all other organs is calling myself consistently crazy. As easily as it was the first time to fall in love, it was to fall out of it, over and over again. And it was painful every single time, as with most break-ups I assume.

So why fall in love again? Just for those momentary, non-concrete feelings? What good is it if you don't know why you're investing yourself if you don't know if your partner is the one? Shouldn't you save yourself, whether it be from emotion or being, for the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with?

After my first experience with romantic love, I thought, there's just no point. I'd just end up getting hurt again, as would whoever I would chose to have relations with. I can just play, do the whole temporary thing, and no one would get hurt. Since then, I haven't really allowed myself to fall in love again. Maybe I truly don't feel it, or maybe I'm just terrified of the idea. Terrified of love and terrified of a serious relationship.

I had nice little chat with a friend today, where I explained where I was coming from. She replied,

"I just think that you should think about it. dont be scared to really like him...serious is ok...even if you dont love him, you really really like being with him, and thats just as important

ok, bye now :)"

The truth is, I really am enjoying right now. I am having so much and I "really really like being with him". I'm just scared of hurting the both of us in the end, yet another wise one told me that if I have my foot in each door, current and exit, I'll more likely to end up in the exit door because I'll always be thinking about it. Good point. So, I'll just see where this goes. If I fall in love, so be it. If I get hurt, so be it. At least I'll be able to say it was worth it.

CHEERS to new beginnings

2008-07-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

I finally took that extra step to actually starting a blog, instead of always saying that I will. Story of my life, really. But today marks the day of change, and this blog is to keep me accountable.

No more being all talk. Accomplishments are waiting.
No more delaying what I want to do. Memories are to be made.
No more strife, stress, and negativity. Love and happiness are what makes life worth living, so why not make more of it?

I am excited to document this stage in my life. Why? Maybe I think it will be therapeutic. Or maybe I think I will scare my loved ones away, considering how much I'm using them as a vent outlet. Nah. I'm enriching them with Diana-thoughts, and they can't get that anywhere else but me :) and now my blog will have that luxury (or is it torture?).

This whole year has been an exhilarating adventure, and has shaped who I am today immensely. So many changes took place this year, and so many circumstances that really allowed the transition from young, naive, silly Diana, to... well I guess, I'm still all of the above, just maybe add a touch of maturity in there somewhere. It took me a while to feel content with myself, and to grow comfortable in my own skin. I am proud to say that I am actually learning how to do those a little more each day; however that is not to say that I will remain stagnant with myself. There is always room for change, as each day brings new experiences to learn from and new ideas to bounce off of to generate new wisdom.

So here's to new beginnings. (and to getting sleep when your bedtime is long overdue) CHEERS.